MyWifeSaysImComplicated is primarily a Facebook blog. If you’re reading this, then you are probably my friend on Facebook and so you know a little bit about how I operate. I suspect, not everyone agrees with what I do, especially with how I interact with conservatives. I’ve taken some flack for it. So, I want to share a perspective that I’ve been developing over the last couple of years to help you understand what I’m doing and because I feel strongly that something must be done in response to the Orlando shootings and the direction of our societal landscape in general. We all have our roles to play. And this is what I do.
I do a lot of thinking and experimenting with how to get along and even benefit from getting along with people who see the world radically different than I do, especially with politics and religion. I’ve been criticized for being a little too generous with conservatives on their perspectives; the implication being that I need to learn how to draw the line a little firmer, or that I’m condoning something bad by giving someone’s perspective a little air to breathe…because otherwise, you know, I’m letting Nazi Germany happen again. And doesn’t it always come down to Nazi Germany in Facebook shootouts?
But I feel that I’ve never benefited from drawing lines between myself and another person. It’s good to stand up for principles and advocate for those who are suffering. I’m not arguing against that. But there are people to do that in more demonstrative ways than me. We all have our roles to play and I’ve become comfortable with being the learner, the moderator, the diplomat.
One of my goals in my dealings with people is not to prove that I am right or to rally the troops or preach to the choir with statements that only people who agree with me will find compelling; it’s to understand why someone thinks they are right and thinks that I am wrong. Sometimes the person I am discussing with’s arguments falls apart when held up to logic and fact-checking, but more often, I find that people have very good reasons for believing what they believe. They don’t all hold up to my standards. They don’t all reflect my values or arguably good character at all. But there’s usually something there worth thinking about and talking about.
Honestly, it is usually me who benefits in the end. I gain greater understanding. And something else happens, I gain someone’s trust and respect. I have conservative friends who will freely discuss anything with me because they know that I will not attack them no matter what they say. They know that although I might not agree with them, I’m on their side. I know that doesn’t sound logical, but there are many ways of being on someone’s side. That’s when true dialog begins…life-changing dialog perhaps.
But it’s not all about conservatives. My most contentious discussions are with people who I’m supposed to agree with. There is a sense of betrayal with fellow liberals when I talk critically about commonly held liberal perspectives. The reason I can be critical is that I’ve explored the conservative perspective enough to see that there are problems with both. I do this, again, not to prove that I’m right or that a conservative is right, but to stimulate or moderate a more balanced discussion in the absence of an actual conservative. If we choose discussions exclusively with people who agree with us, then it’s really more of a group therapy session or pep rally. And how will we ever know when we are wrong?
My ultimate goal, over other stated goals, however, is not to persuade or even to learn, it’s to gain a sense of solidarity with someone. The country may be going to hell in a handbasket, but I refuse to let that stand in the way of love and friendship.
Wow, David, so that’s your plan for fighting gun violence? Making friends? Friends listen to each other. Friends support each other. Friends go to each other for advice. When you listen to someone with no motives other than listening or supporting, there is the small chance (I would say one in ten) that the other person might return in kind. That’s a lot better odds than persuading someone with clever memes on Facebook. When we listen, then we can being solving problems. That is diplomacy.
Import complicated 